Thursday, June 10, 2010

continued stream-of-consciousness writing from my mom's point of view.....

At least I got to come home for a few days before going to the assisted living facility.  Julia and S thought it would be a good idea for me to be home a few days to decide which furniture I want to take with me.  I know this is a really nice place where I'm going because I have visited friends there.  I just don't feel ready for this stage of my life.  Am I going there to just wait on dying? 

Humph!  I'm here, but I am not happy about it.  The little "apartment" is nice enough.  I have a view of the courtyard with beautiful flowers and a fountain.  I even have my own door out to the courtyard.  I have a private bathroom, a small kitchenette, and lots of closet space.  The color of the room is a gorgeous green (I can tell Julia picked this room for me because she loves green.)  I got to bring my own furniture.  The kids were really aggravated with me because I DID NOT pick out what I wanted to bring during those few days they allowed me at home.  But, once I got here, I told them what I wanted.  I had them bring my mom and dad's antique bed, the marble top table, my favorite recliner, the stained glass window that was once in my church, and a few other things.  At least I get to have things I love here.

At the rehab unit, the therapist convinced me that I needed to be using a walker.  I am really embarrassed to be seen using it, but it really does make walking easier for me.

I've been here a few weeks now.  The nurses are really nice, but I'm so sad I can hardly breath.  The doctor has decided that maybe I need to take an antidepressant to help me with getting used to being away from my home.

A few nights ago, after I went to bed, after having really bad indigestion all day, I got to thinking about an article I read once about how indigestion could be a symptom of a heart attack.  So, I rang one of the nurses and asked her what she thought.  She took my blood pressure which was really high.  My blood pressure is never high!  So, she called 911. When the EMTs got here they thought I needed to go to the hospital.  They called Julia who agreed to meet me at the ER.  I was so scared!  Was this going to be IT?  Was I going to die?  Maybe that would be best for me and everyone else.  I don't want to be a burden to my family!!!  I don't want to live in this place anyway!!!
The ER doctors thought that I was having a mild heart attack, nothing, Julia and A decided to go ahead and go up North to visit their daughter's family.  After all, B and S, and one of my nieces and and one of my nephews live fairly close by. 

It turned out that the heart attack was a lot worse than they thought.  They decided to take me to a bigger hospital where they were more equipped to take care of me.  The doctor there said that I needed to have a quadruple bypass!  No way!  He actually said that it would be very risky!  Thank God, the kids let me make the decision whether to have the surgery or not.  I know because of taking care of BS(****mother's big sis) after her open heart surgery that I DO NOT want to go through that!  I'd have to go back to that rehab place again, and I AM NOT going there! I guess the kids wish I'd agree to the surgery, but it is MY decision, not theirs.   I am NOT going to go through that!  I'd rather die!!!!

Well,   HELL......O (****mother's only swear word!)  somebody called Julia, and she and A along with my granddaughter and great granddaughter drove all the way back down here the day after they got up there.  Of course I'm glad they are here, but they didn't need to come back so quickly!!  I don't want to be a burden!!! 

Finally, I'm back home.  Oh my, did I just think about this place as HOME?  It will never be HOME!

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