Sunday, September 26, 2010

Reality Hitting Me In the Face!

About a week or so ago, the head administrator of the nursing home called me into his office.  He asked me if I have given thought as to what we will want to do at the end.  The end?  I looked at him in a questioning manner, I guess, because he clarified by saying, "Do you think you'll want to take your mother home with you and have hospice care, or would you want to keep her here and have hospice come here?"  What?  Was he telling me that Mother is going to die soon?  I mean, of course I know that she is getting much worse, but I really haven't given any REAL thought about what we would do at the END. I told him as much, and he said that I should probably be thinking about this.  Okay........?  So, I waited a day or two to absorb this before I said anything to anyone.
A couple of days ago, I asked one of the nurses, who is also a friend I've known all my life, what V had meant by his question.  I asked if they knew that Mother only has a very short time left.  She said that, since Mother has essentially quit eating, may mean, possibly, maybe, probably that her body is starting to shut down.  Okay, I guess I really knew this, I just hadn't verbalized it, or had it verbalized to me.  I wasn't letting myself think in these terms, not really anyway.  So, I asked if she could go on like this for a year or two.  I know that was a dumb question, but I asked it anyway.  Of course, she said that no, Mother wouldn't live that long.  I then said that I would be going away for a few days in October and asked if I should change my plans.  She answered that no one knows for sure how long things will go on as they are, but that she didn't think it would happen that fast.  I had to leave to think and cry for a little while.  All of this happened about the same time as the stuff in my other blog was going on.  I was a wreck for a few days.
I have called my daughters, brother, sister, one of my cousins and told them what this dear nurse told me.  None of them were surprised.  They were all very supportive and compassionate.  They are what is keeping me strong right now.  I know in my mind that Mother is in the worst state she could ever be in, and I hate, hate, hate seeing her this way.  I intellectually know that it will be a blessing when the time comes.  I know that she is miserable, and I want it to be over for her.  But,  there is a part of me that is crying, "NO! not yet. I'm not through.  I  need to tell her some things.  I need her to know that I love her and that I'm sorry for some of the hurtful things I have said to her over the years.  I need to have her know me again, instead of thinking that I am her mother."
Okay, okay, get  hold of yourself, Julia.  You are a grown woman.  You have seen your husband go through his mother's death in April.  You know that he and his siblings are thankful for the blessings they had in their mother and that she didn't get to the point where she didn't know them, etc..... You know that this will be the best thing when it happens.
I just pray that I can suck it up and be strong.
I am tired, a little bit sick with a yucky throat, stressed over normal life things, and so, not at my best right now.  I feel so much better after having talked to my girls, though.
My girls are all such strong, caring, wonderful mothers to our grandchildren.  I am so grateful that I see my mother in them.  My mother used to be a very strong, independent, compassionate lady.  My sister and I were just talking about how grateful we are that she taught us that ALL people are God's people and that He loves us ALL the same.  He doesn't care about color, culture, etc..... and our mother taught us that is how we should be.  Our mother taught us that caring for others should be utmost in our lives.  She unquestioningly moved into our cousins' house when their mother died to take care of the two youngest who were still at home.  She taught school.  She worked as a Social Worker with abused and neglected children.  She raised us without the help of our father.  She divorced our father even though, I think she still deep down loved him, and even though it was against all she had been taught, because she loved us and didn't want to risk him getting custody of us if anything happened to her.  She never was able to live some of her dreams because of life circumstances.  She now, is scared, sad, and pitiful.  I want this to end for her in whatever way it is going to take.  I love her too much to see her like this.
Wow!  did I really just write all of this?  Even if no one ever reads this, it is helping me to write it down.  I hope that if anyone does read it, it will help you to deal with your own life struggles with your parents, in-laws, or whatever other life issues you may have.


  1. I'm so sorry, Julia. I know this is so terribly tough on you. Of course, only God above knows when our special day will be, but from experience, most of the nurses and staff probably can tell because they've been through they stages of dying so many times.
    My MIL passed away in May "05, and the hospice nurses told us at the first of the week to be prepared, and on the day she died, they told us she wouldn't make it through the night. They were wonderful and tried to make things as easy as possible.
    I can tell you have a lot to think about, and I will keep you in my prayers. If you need to vent, you know where to find me.
    Big hugs.

  2. Good Morning Julia Sweetie...
    Oh I am holding you up in prayer sweetie, and praying for peace for your sweet Moma. I went through this with my MIL (she had alzheimers) and watching someone we love go through any pain is SO difficult. The confusion is so hard on us, because we want to pull them back to a safe place.

    One day at a time is all that I can say, one day at a time. Trust in God, and he will guide you down the path that you need to take right now. You are never alone sweet friend. Cry when you need to, and stop by any time if you just need someone to talk to.

    Now you asked about Marydon and myself. She is my sister, we found each other through blogging, and we have adopted each other. We feel we were sisters in another life for sure. We have talked almost every day for over a year now, and this past Spring I went to spend 10 glorious days with her. We never stopped talking, and it is as if we have known each other all our lives. Yes, she is my sister. I love her with all my heart. We are convinced that maybe we were twins separated at birth. (Ha! Ha! Ha!)

    I hope I have made you smile a little this morning sweet friend. I signed up to follow your blog here so that I can keep up. Please email me anytime you might need to talk. I will always be here for you. I am sending many hugs and so much love to you this beautiful Monday morning. Do something special for yourself today sweet friend. It will make you feel so good. Love, Sherry

  3. Julia- my heart is with you. Please email me if you need to talk things out with someone and please know you and your Mom are both still in my prayers. (((hugs))) These are the times when it hard to be only an "internet friend". I'm sending you lots of love.

  4. Sweet Julia, You were one of the first to reach out to me when I started blogging and I will always have a grateful, thankful heart toward you and a sense of caring for what you might be going through. I don't think there is any way to really prepare for those feelings of loss when the reality of the situation sinks in. It's natural to go through so many emotions as we try to process everything. We remember all the good times and feel sad, we see the suffering and desire release... I'm so glad the writing is helping, and that you have such loving daughters and family to just be there for you. I will remember to pray for you all today. One thing I know, according to I Peter 5:7, God cares for you and He will see you through. Sometimes, one moment at a time is all we can handle, and He is mercifully there through each one. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom. Sending a hug your way.

  5. I hope and pray that you get miraculous moments of lucidity with her before she passes.