The Eye of the Storm

I think the two calm days were just like the eye of a storm, you know, all calm and quiet and deceiving!  Yea, the calm is over, at least for today.  Oh my, I don't know if I've seen her much worse than this!  I have seen her this bad, however.  I left my car out of the garage when I came home so I would make myself go back this evening.  Otherwise, I might find an excuse not to go.  I don't always go twice a day.  I can't.  It's not about me, though, it's about Mother and how miserable she is.  I have prayed and prayed that God will just give her some peace. 

2 Days of Calm!

I'm hoping, but not holding my breath, that the doctor has found the solution.  He started her on a very low dose, twice a day, of a medicine that in the past has made things worse.  We discussed it and decided that we are willing to try anything.  When she took this before, 3 years ago, it was by IV and probably a much larger dose than now. 
She has been sleepy, but calm for two days now.  I may eat my words after I go see her at lunchtime today, but I'm crossing my fingers, throwing salt over my shoulder, avoiding black cats and ladders, etc........  and Oh, yeah, praying that this will continue.

Beauty Pageant

What fun some of the ladies had at the nursing home yesterday.  I didn't get to stay for the actual event, and Mother was in no condition to participate, but they had a beauty pageant.  People brought in formal gowns for the residents to wear.  They got their hair and make up done and paraded around the dining room in their wheelchairs, using their walkers, or canes.  They were so pretty and so proud of their "prettiness"!  Mother would have had fun with this.  I just wish she could have been a part of it.  I took in a few of her dresses that she has worn for weddings, etc......, but others wore them. 
I'm going to try for just a minute to get into her head again.  It's been a while since I've tried this.

Since I've been home...........

"Please leave me alone!  Don't put anymore food in my mouth.  I HATE breakfast! (this was at dinner time)  I just wish you would stop!"  

Why are they making me eat this awful slop?
"Just give me juice!"  "I want that cherry!" (there was no cherry on the tray) "I see it right there (pointing at her water mug), it says S.H.A., S.H. A., S. H. A.................................(over and over)." 
 Why doesn't she understand that I want that water and I can't think of the word for it.

"Take your hand off my chin!(when I was trying to turn her head so I could get a straw in her mouth)  "You are just mean!"  "I HATE breakfast! (it was dinnertime)

I don't understand why this woman keeps trying to make me eat and drink.  I don't want anything.

"Rub my back, please rub my back, I said rub my back, now, rub my back. There's a block behind my back."

If only she understood how bad my back hurts.  And besides, if she's rubbing my back she won't leave me here by myself.  I'm so homesick.  Why won't they take me to the dining room. (Mother hasn't been out of her room for weeks now because of her yelling.)

"My feet are swollen, there's a rope tied around my feet. Take it off!" REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT......................

Why can't she see that rope and take it off of my feet.  Why does she keep telling me that there isn't a rope and that my feet aren't swollen.  I can feel my own feet can't I?  I think I know how they feel.  Why won't she go get a nurse to help me.  I really do need help and I need someone to sit with me.  I'm so scared.  I'm so scared.  I'm so scared.  I'm so ALONE!

Her roommate..........."Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy,   come here daddy.  My feet hurt.  Daddy, daddy.  Oh, my back.......................etc......................................................................."

I asked Mother if she knew who I was and she looked up and yelled, "YOU. ARE. MY. MOTHER!"
Why would my own Mother think that I don't know her!  

I told Mother that I needed to leave to go to church Wed. evening.  As soon as I was out of the room, she started yelling and crying, so I went back. 

"Why did you come back?  Why didn't you go to church?  You said you were leaving.  Get out of here and go to church."

I told her that I couldn't go as long as she was crying and screaming.

"I promise I will be good.  I promise I will stop screaming(actually screaming these words at me)!  I promise, I promise, I promise, now GO TO CHURCH!"

I told her I would go if she would be quiet for 5 minutes. 
SHE WAS!
I went out of the room and waited another 5 minutes. 
SHE WAS STILL QUIET!  
I went to church and called the nursing home afterwards to see how she had done.
They had not heard a peep out of her!
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Of course, I have no idea what is really going through her head, but it helps to try to "get it"!

Whew!

I'm home, and as I told one of my cousins, I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with my grands, and as awful as this may sound, my time away from the nursing home.  I'll be back tomorrow, though.  The drs. never did get back with my sister about whether or not they would take Mother into their program at the hospital that is designed for seniors with issues like Mother's.  I guess I'll get to deal with all that starting tomorrow.  I am just praying that they can find some combination of meds that can keep her calm, but not so knocked out that she can't even eat!
My sister walked into her room last night and she was saying, "Brick by brick, brick by brick, brick by brick."  My sister discerned that she was referring to when they tore down the old elementary and high school buildings in our town.  What was humorous was that Mother's roommate joined in by saying, "Daddy, take it down brick by brick, brick by brick, etc..............."  Sometimes laughing to keep from crying helps!  Sometimes it's hard to do, but I have decided that a POSITIVE ATTITUDE is the healthiest one I can have, not only for myself, but for Mother, too.   I am really going to TRY!!!!!!

my other blog

I already wrote about Mother on my other blog tonight.  Seeing as how I'm on my daughter's computer and should be helping her decorate for a birthday party, I won't repeat myself, so if you are interested in what's going on just go to my other site.

A Hand Slap

Today, I got a phone call from the administrator of the nursing home, who was on speaker phone with the administrative assistant (or whatever her title is).  They called to tell me that last night Mother complained that one of the CNAs had slapped her hand off of the nurses' call button.  Mother has been crying and screaming out a lot the last few days, so I know the CNAs get frustrated.  She must have been calling the nurses constantly, but that does not give this CNA the right to slap Mother or in any way be hateful to her.  This is my least favorite of all the CNAs.  She has been rude to Mother and other residents times that I have witnessed.  However, when she knows a family member is watching and listening, she gets sugary sweet.  Yuk, I hate that!  Anyway, I've never complained about her, and now I realize that I should have.  Mother has told me before that she is hateful.  She's been working on the other hall recently, so she hasn't been Mother's CNA, but the night before last she was on Mother's hall.  Anyway, the head nurse on duty took Mother's complaint seriously and actually sent this CNA home for the rest of the shift.  The administrator and his assistant interviewed her this morning, and, of course, she denied any wrong doing.  But, there have been other complaints against her, and she has been suspended until at least the first of next week when a review of her overall employment record can be reviewed.  I did tell the Adm. today how I felt about this woman.  He did not seem at all surprised.  He told me that she may lose her job completely, not because of this one incident, but because of a compilation of all of the complaints that have been made against her over her time working there.  It is obvious to me that she hates her job.  She's always sighing and acting as if everything she has to do is such a BIG deal.  I think that being a CNA in a nursing home would be one of the hardest jobs there can be anywhere.  I have watched and witnessed, though, and have seen the love and compassion that most of them have for their residents.  Most of them are devoted to these folks.  I have talked with some of these ladies and I've learned that most of them try to treat their residents like they would want their own parents or grandparents to be treated. 
I hope that if this woman loses her job, that she can find something soon that suits her more!
I feel good that this issue is being dealt with rather than being ignored.